Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
