Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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