my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
