ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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