We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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