Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
