I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
