I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
