Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
