somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
