I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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