My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
