I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
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