When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
