he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
