Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
