glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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