Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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