I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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