oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
