I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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