I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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