Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
