either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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