drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
