I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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