My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
