I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
