I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
