You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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