Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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