someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
