I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
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We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
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Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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