then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
