im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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