he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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