I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Randomize
