Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
