my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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