had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
