so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
