You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
