you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
