The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
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My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
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Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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