Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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