so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
