you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
