If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
