I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
