counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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