he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
