I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
