i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
